Still ‘Not Time’ To Pursue Gun Legislation

NRA President Wayne LaPierre

WASHINGTON D.C. – Fresh off of a failure to pass new gun control legislation, detractors of the changes stated ‘now is not the time’ to pursue such legislative action.

“Immediately during or after a national gun tragedy is not the time to start making rash decisions about how to better protect more citizens’ lives” stated National Rifle Association President Wayne LaPierre at a news conference yesterday. When informed there was no current gun tragedy and that this would qualify as “before” the next one, or is at the very least an “intermittent period”, LaPierre retorted “Well, NOW is not the time, seeing as how everyone is presently safely alive and not immediately dying from any massive gun-related tragedies.”

The NRA President, who has been critical of any attempt at gun control, was later asked when a good time would be to think about such legislation.

“We intend to let the government know when we’re ready to allow them to do their jobs again”, he quipped. “For now, we propose the arming and training of every man, woman, and child, to defend themselves against this tyrannical government that, incidentally, we run.”

Internet User’s Life Changes Thanks to Cheesy Inspirational Facebook Meme

Cheesy Life-Saving Facebook Meme.

MILWAUKEE, WISCONSIN – Three months ago, 26 year-old Graphic Designer Matthew Arnold was having a decade to forget. After several false starts, missed job opportunities and failed relationships, Arnold was inserting a loaded, custom manufactured .45 ACP handgun into his mouth just after viewing some internet porn, when a familiar chime rang on his computer. Switching over to his Facebook page, he noticed he was tagged by a family member in a posting.

The posting in question read: “It’s not what you ask for, it’s how you use what you receive.”

“I pretty much was floored“, he offered, mimicking his flabbergasted nature at the time. “I mean, what do you say to that? I knew right off that I was making a mistake, and that I had more to live for.“

When pressed on what that was, he wasn’t sure. But he knew things would turn around.

“You know, that handgun was my dad’s. He used it for his own suicide. it was custom made just for that“, Arnold admitted, seemingly having found a new lease on life. “I thought, ‘Man, dad took this same route. It hasn’t worked out for him”, referencing his dad dying as a result of his self-inflicted head wound. “I decided I would turn things around that day. Somehow.“

And turned things around, he has. Now, with a top design job, a two-month old relationship with “the one”, and a chance to open his own firm, Arnold attributes his newfound success just to the belief that it could actually happen.

“Until I saw that Facebook meme, I didn’t know what I would do. I thought I would die! I mean, I did have a gun in my mouth and all“, he said excitedly. “Now look at me. Thanks Cheesy but Inspirational Facebook meme!“

Currently, Matthew is waiting on word regarding the publishing date of his self-help book “Meaningless Memes, Meaningful Life” as well as where to pick up recent lottery winnings.

Gun Owners Fail to Stop ‘Freedom Disrupting’ Explosions

BOSTON, MASSACHUSETTS – Gun owners in the city of Boston today finally decided to speak to the press, coming clean about their role in allowing two deadly explosions to disrupt freedom.

“Yeah, I don’t get it“, a puzzled Andrew Thorn told Very Real News. “I mean, I own three handguns, and two high-capacity magazines for my assault rifle. Yet, I was powerless to stop this.”

His friend Danny Johns agreed. “Seriously! I own a pair of rifles and yet nothing!“

Gun control advocates agree this may have put a dent in the gun supporters’ arguments for unrestricted permissions.

“Granted, Boston doesn’t allow concealed carry, still, several gun-toting police officers and military were on the scene and were unable to prevent the events“, offered Annette Smith, a local gun control advocate. “I mean, we’ll have to do some more research – I’m sure there’s another terrorist attack in our future to draw data from – but at the moment, it seems like they don’t protect freedom after all.”

Mr. Thornton could only search for elusive answers. “You know, maybe if we had known ahead of time that it was going to happen, you know?“, he thought aloud. “Then I’d have shown up and been all like Pewn! Pewn! Take that you freedom-hating bastards!”, he said, mimicking the sounds of his handguns. “Then I’d be all a hero and stuff.”

When asked how he could have known ahead of time about a well-planned secret attack, he countered “Well, obviously, that’s something we have to work on as a society. Maybe they can deputize me and send me undercover or something. Me and all of my friends.”

He continued, “Dale has a few rifles. Mitch has some assault rifles. Danny! Doesn’t Earl have some sort of grenade launcher? Shit, we could defend this whole country ourselves.”

At press time, Danny was looking into the barrel of his loaded rifle to see why it wasn’t firing.

Boston to U.S.:’Thanks for the prayers, but could you actually send some tangible help?’

BOSTON, MASSACHUSETTS – Residents of Boston are responding to all the heart-warming prayers and thoughts coming in, even as they deal with the tragedy of a possible terrorist attack at the Boston Marathon.

“Really, thank you so much“, said Sharita McQueen, a runner and one of the dozens injured after two explosions ripped through the event just seconds apart. “I really do appreciate your prayers, but could you call the authorities or something?” she asked sarcastically while searching for her lost leg amid the strewn rubble and debris.

“I agree“, added Frank Mitchell, a 22-year veteran police officer. “The blast knocked out local communications; if you could pray AND call for some back up to help with the emergency effort, that would ALSO be appreciated.“

An anonymous spectator who barely escaped, due to the fortune of being just outside of the blast radius, chimed in with some anger.

“Thank you for all of your Facebook support, but ‘thoughts’ posted to Facebook Mobile are useless to those of use whose phones were destroyed – and probably also to those whose phones weren’t.“

At press time, thousands of “shout-outs” and “we’re with you’s” continued to roll in.

Local Miscreants Abandon Storefront Temporarily

DEAD CIVIL RIGHTS LEADER BOULEVARD, CITY – Local convenience store owner, Mohammed Al-Arabi, received the shock of his life late this morning when he peered through his storefront window in the southeastern section of the city: Nothing.

“I didn’t know what to make of it”, beamed the Yemeni immigrant. “In a sense it was nice, but in another sense, I felt kind of alone. I’m used to somebody out there.”

Local resident, 22 year-old LaRon Tydavius Peterson, shouldered the blame. “Yeah, I kinda dropped the ball on that one”, he admitted. “I usually try to be out there by six or seven o’clock in the morning, but I was tired from being in the studio all night” he added, referring to the recording session for his as-yet-unscheduled independent rap album release.

Still, he hoped to make it up for the next day. “I’m here now though, and I’m well-rested today” he said, his hand stuffed into the front waist of the oversized sweatpants hanging mid-buttocks.

Al-Arabi couldn’t make heads or tails of it, however. “You know, usually there’s a few of them, but today – no one!”

But Peterson took it upon himself to apologize to his local gouger.

“I’m sorry man”, he offered, failing to look Al-Arabi in the eye. “Usually, I call a few of my boys to meet me out here too, but I was just so tired. Tryna do big thangs, you nah mean?”

At press time, Peterson was slowly being joined in front of the store by fellow local residents JaDaveon Thomas, Kiki Merriwether, LaShaun Demarcavius Brownstone, and several others.

“Now that’s more of what I’m used to”, huffed a dejected Al-Arabi. As the men yelled to a gentleman named “Pookay” a quarter mile away, Al-Arabi took his cue. “I’d better get inside”, he warned.

Conservatives: ‘Use of Tragedy Due to Legislative Failure In Order to Create Legislative Success Unfair’

WASHINGTON, DC – Gun control might finally get a vote but Republicans are already posturing against it, seeking to undermine the legislation before it even gets started. They may face some stiff opposition – from their own party. Still, 13 Senators and a handful of young conservatives are set to invoke a filibuster if the legislation makes it to the floor.

The main issue seems to be the President. On Monday, President Obama flew the parents of the Newtown victims to Washington aboard Air Force One in order to press Congress into legislative action. Senator James Inhofe, Republican of Oklahoma, was irate.

“To me that’s so unfair of the administration to put them into that position when this has nothing to do with them and they know that,” he said. “It’s using someone’s emotions, someone’s tragedy to their advantage, and I think it’s morally wrong.”

An anonymous spokesperson agreed.

“Everyone knows that the best way to pass a new law is to forget the original and not analyze why the new law is being written in the first place.”

Old Black Man ‘Just So Proud’ Of Young Black Man In Suit

DETROIT, MI – Local resident and septuagenarian Curtis Watson lit up in excitement earlier this afternoon as he returned from the corner store. The reason? JaeRon Williams – the local nineteen year-old African-American student who plans to make something of himself one day.

“I always knew JaeRon was going to be someone“, Mr. Watson beamed. “But when I saw him today in that suit, I knew he was serious. That’s what we need to see in the community!“

When asked why it was so important to him, Mr. Watson could barely contain himself. “After all we fought for in the civil rights movement, I’m just so proud to see the young fella take advantage of that“, he intimated as he fought to restrain tears.

Very Real News managed to catch up with JaeRon to get his perspective.

“Yeah, Mr. Watson be gettin’ that way“, he offered. “I don’t know what the big deal is, but it makes him happy.”

JaeRon later informed us that though he plans to make something of himself one day, he admitted he would probably be gunned down on the day he was accepted to the local community college. Right now, he was only attending the funeral of a fellow gang member, but he didn’t want to burst Mr. Watson’s bubble.