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CHICAGO, IL - A local athlete spoke to the press today, claiming he sought to join a team with “title potential” and a “winning culture”.

I hope to land on a new team that really knows how to win, so I can add something of value” said the man whose very presence sows resentment in every locker room he enters. “I want to get a fresh start and land that ring.”

I think I have what it takes to make a good team great” said the athlete who has played fewer than 30 games in the past two seasons, but continues to be treated as an elite player. “I just want to win“, continued the best chance for a decent mid-level team to blow up their roster and land themselves in the draft. “I’m here.”

At press time, the player reportedly answered a journalist’s question with “What’s basketball?

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ROCKY RIVER, OHIO – Upon winning last night’s State High School Championship, local football star and most popular kid in school Cody Smith, claimed he would celebrate by ‘pounding some nerds’.

I really can’t wait to beat the crap out of some kids who can’t possibly stand up to me“, intimated the teenage sports wunderkind who will get his equally popular girlfriend pregnant on prom night and be forced to turn to one of the dozens of classmates he terrorized for a minimum wage job. “Let’s bash some heads!” he exclaimed as the team and crowd erupted in cheers.

Currently, Smith is drag racing down the local strip, preparing to give up his girlfriend to the smartest, richest nerd, by speeding to his own death in a flaming wreck.

MIAMI, FLA – Local erotic bakery “& Eat It Too” announced plans to release a penis-flavored lollipop, in addition to their existing successful line of penis-shaped lollipops.

We thought it made sense” said the founder, Stanley Brickson. “Women seem to enjoy sucking on things that mimic the things they go to great lengths to avoid in real life“, said the company’s overweight and balding founder.

At press time, Mr. Brickson, a man unlikely to be the subject of affection for any but the most desperate women, informed us that the company was also moving ahead with plans to release a penis-shaped, penis-flavored lollipop with a fully grown, nude adult male attached as the stick.

Artistic Neighbor's Conception...

Artistic Neighbor’s Conception…

CLEVELAND, OHIO – After precariously balancing a rolled, unevenly cut, chain-link fence against the rear of the passenger cab, sources report that local pickup truck owner, Earl Davis, 36 was heard to mutter with shaky confidence “that should be alright”. Neighborhood onlookers lamented as he then got into the pickup with his best friend Clevon Truncle, 34, and headed in the direction of the freeway.

Yeah, he wasn’t too pleased with how it was rattlin’ around back there“, Truncle added, referring to the unbalanced load that also included assorted pipes and unidentifiable jagged pieces of metal ziptied to the aforementioned fence. “He tried to play it off, but I could tell.

Sources say during the drive, Davis often repeated his statement of confidence in variation, ranging from “I’m sure it’ll be fine” to “It seemed good to you, right?“, seemingly more so to reassure himself than to assure others.

At press time, cars behind Davis and Truncle could be seen jostling to change lanes behind the pair, and screeching to abrupt halts, as objects the men thought were strongly bound flew onto the road. Reports concluded that the sudden lightness of the vehicle led the men to “think [they] may have lost something back there…”

NRA President Wayne LaPierre

NRA President Wayne LaPierre

WASHINGTON D.C. – Fresh off of a failure to pass new gun control legislation, detractors of the changes stated ‘now is not the time’ to pursue such legislative action.

Immediately during or after a national gun tragedy is not the time to start making rash decisions about how to better protect more citizens’ lives” stated National Rifle Association President Wayne LaPierre at a news conference yesterday. When informed there was no current gun tragedy and that this would qualify as “before” the next one, or is at the very least an “intermittent period”, LaPierre retorted “Well, NOW is not the time, seeing as how everyone is presently safely alive and not immediately dying from any massive gun-related tragedies.”

The NRA President, who has been critical of any attempt at gun control, was later asked when a good time would be to think about such legislation.

We intend to let the government know when we’re ready to allow them to do their jobs again”, he quipped. “For now, we propose the arming and training of every man, woman, and child, to defend themselves against this tyrannical government that, incidentally, we run.

Cheesy Life-Saving Facebook Meme.

MILWAUKEE, WISCONSIN – Three months ago, 26 year-old Graphic Designer Matthew Arnold was having a decade to forget. After several false starts, missed job opportunities and failed relationships, Arnold was inserting a loaded, custom manufactured .45 ACP handgun into his mouth just after viewing some internet porn, when a familiar chime rang on his computer. Switching over to his Facebook page, he noticed he was tagged by a family member in a posting.

The posting in question read: “It’s not what you ask for, it’s how you use what you receive.”

I pretty much was floored“, he offered, mimicking his flabbergasted nature at the time. “I mean, what do you say to that? I knew right off that I was making a mistake, and that I had more to live for.

When pressed on what that was, he wasn’t sure. But he knew things would turn around.

You know, that handgun was my dad’s. He used it for his own suicide. it was custom made just for that“, Arnold admitted, seemingly having found a new lease on life. “I thought, ‘Man, dad took this same route. It hasn’t worked out for him”, referencing his dad dying as a result of his self-inflicted head woundI decided I would turn things around that day. Somehow.

And turned things around, he has. Now, with a top design job, a two-month old relationship with “the one”, and a chance to open his own firm, Arnold attributes his newfound success just to the belief that it could actually happen.

Until I saw that Facebook meme, I didn’t know what I would do. I thought I would die! I mean, I did have a gun in my mouth and all“, he said excitedly. “Now look at me. Thanks Cheesy but Inspirational Facebook meme!

Currently, Matthew is waiting on word regarding the publishing date of his self-help book “Meaningless Memes, Meaningful Life” as well as where to pick up recent lottery winnings.

confused-redneck1BOSTON, MASSACHUSETTS – Gun owners in the city of Boston today finally decided to speak to the press, coming clean about their role in allowing two deadly explosions to disrupt freedom.

Yeah, I don’t get it“, a puzzled Andrew Thorn told Very Real News. “I mean, I own three handguns, and two high-capacity magazines for my assault rifle. Yet, I was powerless to stop this.”

His friend Danny Johns agreed. “Seriously! I own a pair of rifles and yet nothing!

Gun control advocates agree this may have put a dent in the gun supporters’ arguments for unrestricted permissions.

Granted, Boston doesn’t allow concealed carry, still, several gun-toting police officers and military were on the scene and were unable to prevent the events“, offered Annette Smith, a local gun control advocate. “I mean, we’ll have to do some more research – I’m sure there’s another terrorist attack in our future to draw data from – but at the moment, it seems like they don’t protect freedom after all.”

Mr. Thornton could only search for elusive answers. “You know, maybe if we had known ahead of time that it was going to happen, you know?“, he thought aloud. “Then I’d have shown up and been all like Pewn! Pewn! Take that you freedom-hating bastards!”, he said, mimicking the sounds of his handguns. “Then I’d be all a hero and stuff.”

When asked how he could have known ahead of time about a well-planned secret attack, he countered “Well, obviously, that’s something we have to work on as a society. Maybe they can deputize me and send me undercover or something. Me and all of my friends.”

He continued, “Dale has a few rifles. Mitch has some assault rifles. Danny! Doesn’t Earl have some sort of grenade launcher? Shit, we could defend this whole country ourselves.”

At press time, Danny was looking into the barrel of his loaded rifle to see why it wasn’t firing.