BOSTON, MASSACHUSETTS – Gun owners in the city of Boston today finally decided to speak to the press, coming clean about their role in allowing two deadly explosions to disrupt freedom.
“Yeah, I don’t get it“, a puzzled Andrew Thorn told Very Real News. “I mean, I own three handguns, and two high-capacity magazines for my assault rifle. Yet, I was powerless to stop this.”
His friend Danny Johns agreed. “Seriously! I own a pair of rifles and yet nothing!“
Gun control advocates agree this may have put a dent in the gun supporters’ arguments for unrestricted permissions.
“Granted, Boston doesn’t allow concealed carry, still, several gun-toting police officers and military were on the scene and were unable to prevent the events“, offered Annette Smith, a local gun control advocate. “I mean, we’ll have to do some more research – I’m sure there’s another terrorist attack in our future to draw data from – but at the moment, it seems like they don’t protect freedom after all.”
Mr. Thornton could only search for elusive answers. “You know, maybe if we had known ahead of time that it was going to happen, you know?“, he thought aloud. “Then I’d have shown up and been all like Pewn! Pewn! Take that you freedom-hating bastards!”, he said, mimicking the sounds of his handguns. “Then I’d be all a hero and stuff.”
When asked how he could have known ahead of time about a well-planned secret attack, he countered “Well, obviously, that’s something we have to work on as a society. Maybe they can deputize me and send me undercover or something. Me and all of my friends.”
He continued, “Dale has a few rifles. Mitch has some assault rifles. Danny! Doesn’t Earl have some sort of grenade launcher? Shit, we could defend this whole country ourselves.”
At press time, Danny was looking into the barrel of his loaded rifle to see why it wasn’t firing.